Dealing with Today’s Pressing Issues in a Cold, Rational Manner not allowing my Personal Biases to Flavor this Report

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream, especially if it’s Breyers. But hey! What’s the scoop? If you look in the lower right hand corner, what do you see? A half gallon of ice cream is now 1.75 quarts? Is this some metric conspiracy? Are we being short-changed by the Canadians? Or is this a helpful move on the part of greedy corporate America to allow us to more easily insert our ice cream in the door slots of the standard refrigerator freezer? Or is it merely a way for a Chicago company that uses only REAL ingredients to compete with all the ice cream manufacturing wannabees that dilute their cream with all sorts of unpronounceable chemicals?

I’m trying to make sense of it all as I scoop bowl after bowl. Tell me I needn’t switch. I’m not left-leaning enough to swallow Ben & Jerry’s. And the Blue Bunny and other generic boxes allow foreign odors to seep in and contaminate my nightly pleasure. Hmmmmmm.

I know. It just came to me. It must be the FDA. This has conspiracy written all over it. The ever expanding government is trying to lower my cholesterol level by chiseling away at my sustenance. If they’re successful at this, what’s next? Will quarter-pounders weight only .18 pounds? Will a double cheeseburgers have only one piece of cheese? Will a Whopper be eaten with only one hand?

It’s a scary new world out there. Next time I eat ice cream, I better only look at the pictures.