Big Mistake

Our clock radio starts work at 5:00 a.m. every morning, Sunday’s included. Then at 7 o’clock sharp, it checks out until the next morning. We almost always come to sometime during its morning service. But during the winter months, when the sun is slow to rise, we usually continue in our horizontal positions a little longer, listening to the morning talking heads; or if sleep was not good, we return to slumber land to catch some more Z’s. Yesterday morning, 7 o’clock came earlier than usual, so I did something I almost never do. I turned on the tube, the one in the bedroom. On came TV preacher number one. He was plugging his latest book, from which he was about to preach. Not much caring for this clown, for both stylistic and theological reasons, I hit the channel button.

Lucky me, another TV preacher, yes it really must be Sunday. Fortunately this guy was not pitching his own book. But he was pitching his father’s book, and no not his heavenly father’s. And in similar style he was planning to preach from this book, which of course could be ordered from the number appearing right now on the screen. Just then it was time for the obligatory scan of the huge crowd. “Here’s the church, there’s the steeple, open it up and see all the people.” Well, enough of that, I thought. So over to the channel changer again.

What? Not another one. Yes, this must be my lucky day. Of course, I should have learned by now. But I was still too lazy to get vertical. So I watched. This was a local guy. I knew, because he wasn’t pushing his book, hasn’t written one yet, I suppose. But he was dancing around too much for me to pay attention, so I clicked yet again.

Well, what do you know, no preacher. Saved by the Rug Rats or Sponge Bob or some other cartoon I wasn’t interested in watching. Click. Chiropractor. Click. Oh no, another one. He holding something, is that a Bible? Nope, he’s got a book too. And he’s going to plug it as he uses it for the topic of his morning message.

I’ve had enough, rescue me History Channel. I start clicking faster, toward the big numbers on our cable box. But I don’t quite make it all the way there. I stop at an infomercial. (It’s good, you know, to some times build up a tolerance to charlatans.) He too is selling a book. (You know books are my weakness.) This character I’ve seen before. He rails against the drug companies, the FDA, the AMA and all the political lobbyists that help grease the wheels in Washington allowing these evil entities to get laws passed that protect these power brokers while fleecing the American public. He’s pushing herbs, but primarily his book. He’s got my sympathetic ear, because I agree with a lot of what he says. We could all stand to exercise more, eat better, and cut down on our fast paced lives. Besides, this guy’s fun to listen to—even though he’s got an annoying side kick that pretends to be confrontational, while feeding him softball questions.

I never made it to the History Channel. Instead I got out of bed and headed to my computer where the internet is always on, and I’m in no danger of encountering pitchmen. Pause, to take my tongue out of my cheek. I decide to do a google search on this last guy I was watching. And every bookstore out there comes up with special offers on his latest book. Oh how wonderful, are all the reviews. So I continue to scroll down. Finally someone not selling his book. It’s actually a criticism of this character. And it comes not from the AMA or the FDA or a drug company. It comes from a funny looking guy, seriously funny-looking, who practices acupuncture, has a real medical degree, pushes herbs, and also has a book to sell.

But the vibes were a little better with this guy. He’s an actual professor, and has criticisms and support for western, eastern, and alternative medicine. So I read a little more. And he actually has a decent blog, and his list of ten best “worst quotes” won me over. I thought I should include them here. It’s time to laugh. Laugh, so I don’t cry over the sorry state of Sunday morning television.

Top 10 Dumbest Quotes Ever
10. "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."- Dan Quayle
9. "I was dramatically shaped by my grandmother and my aunts because they convinced me there was always a cookie available. Deep down inside I'm four years old, and I wake up and think out there, there's a cookie. Every morning I'm going, you know, either it can be baked or it's already been bought, but it's in a jar . . . somewhere. . . ."— Newt Gingrich, 1994
8. "My vision is to make the most diverse state on earth, and we have people from every planet on the earth in this state. We have the sons and daughters of every, of people from every planet, of every country on earth."— Former California Gov. Gray Davis, during the recall campaign
7. "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."- a North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to his Coach why he appeared nervous at practice, 1982
6. "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."- Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had been to the Parthenon during his visit to Greece
5. "Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win."- Basketball announcer Doug Collins
4. "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."- Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann
3. "I'm a 4-wheel-drive pickup type of guy. So is my wife."-Baseball player Mike Greenwell
2. "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."- Jason Kidd, Point Guard, New Jersey Nets
And the number one dumbest quote ever is…“I love being a star because I get to travel overseas to places like Canada.”-Britney Spears
posted by Brian B. Carter, MS, LAc at 11:55 PM