BULLETIN: WARNING—EXTREME CAUTION ADVISED

Bearded man with AARP card suspected to be traveling east through the back roads of Wisconsin with his female accomplice. They have been rumored to be making sudden and unannounced visits at all Dairy Queens along their traveled routes. Reports suggest that they have developed a severe addiction to the treats contained within those buildings with the red and white signs. Intelligence from sources in the Twin Cities area claim that they were seen frequent times at various DQ locations in the metro area. They were seen only consuming the basic items: chocolate dipped cones and dilly bars. However, the concern is that they may be turning to the harder stuff: Blizzards, Peanut Buster Parfaits, or even the Triple Fudge Brownie Earthquake!

They were seen in close approximation to an aging, bald (but good-looking) man and a long-haired bearded musician type, both downing Blizzards like they were water. These are the characters suspected to be responsible for the budding new addiction of the bearded man and his wife. Speculation is that the bearded man and his wife were kidnapped and forcibly brought to these DQ stands in the heat of the day. Once there, they were encouraged to mingle with all the other addicts sitting around the buildings, hurriedly consuming their delicacies before the drippings soiled their clothes. At first they offered slight protest, but in time they became willing participants.

Be on the look out for a late model Saturn with Tennessee plates. Experts expect this vehicle to be making sudden turns as it approaches all DQs. They also suggest that this vehicle may be exceeding the speed limit and passing other cars as it nears proximity of said locations. In summary, officials encourage all travelers to exercise extreme caution when driving near all Dairy Queens in west-central, northern, and south-central Wisconsin for at least the next week or so.