Just barely a Graduate

No time to write today. The party approaches quickly. The Warden has me confined to the back porch. Not a bad sentence though; the weather has been wonderful, the variety of greens are phenomenal with all the liquid sunshine we’ve received of late.

I’ve quickly snuck into the dungeon here to jot down a few thoughts on the one I forced to graduate. It was a few years back and I will keep the identity anonymous. We were again providing shelter and grub for a student from abroad. The end of school was near, and the student was told he/she would not graduate. Spring was intoxicating by then and all the student could think about were friends and partying. The student did not care that a paper was due in order to graduate. The assignment was dumb. The Warden tried everything to convince the student that this was serious. “You will not be able to walk down the aisle with your friends,” she said. But the student did not care. I was called upon for encouragement or better yet more coercive, forceful action.

I also tried everything. Finally the night before the last day of school and no term paper. Sitting down with said student, I read the instructions and plotted a strategy. Upon reading the assignment requirements, I could somewhat relate to the student. This was dumb. This science teacher somehow made it through college without any training in writing or thinking. I hate to be critical, and I tried to give the teacher the benefit of a doubt. But the assignment she handed out was Dave Barryesque in its humor quotient. I thought it was a joke. The student always told me it was a dumb class and a dumb assignment, but I thought that was only an excuse to avoid doing the paper. As I sat with the student in amazement, I planned our method of attack. We would choose one of the listed topics and write the paper together. I would give almost anything to have that original assignment sheet. With more typos, sentence fragments, run-ons, hanging participles and lapses in logic than even I can squeeze into a normal blog, all I remember is something like—how will we save our planet from almost certain doom, caused by certain factions within the United States government. It brought me more laughs than a “Simpson” episode.

I tried to get the student’s ideas on paper. “Which item would you like the write about,” I asked. Long story short, as I tried everything to receive input, and as the hour approached bedtime (for me at least), I grabbed my laptop and started writing the stupid thing myself. If this paper was not turned in within 10 hours, there would be no graduation.

I started writing on the fly with no notes, no input from student, no knowledge of the class, all the while trying to write as though I were the student—in said student’s voice. Overcome by the advancing hour, a little too much coffee, and continual glances back at the instructions from the teacher, I wrote in record time. In under a half hour (maybe less) I presented the student with something that could be turned in.

Graduation happens.

I sit here debating whether I should download that paper onto my blog. I’ve driveled on here long enough, but it might be fun for me to read it again. Let’s see where is it? I’m looking under this pile. No. Could it be here? No. Alright, who’s been in my office? Oh, never mind, here it is.

CAUTION: reader beware. Paper was written to sound like a failing high school senior, as well as on the same level as the instruction sheet given to the student.

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Astronomy

A Bleak Future?


It seems like only yesterday that we could enjoy a ride through the woods on our Polaris snowmobile. Winters back then were a lot more fun. The snow would be everywhere, covering trees, power lines, and even the ground. It was beautiful. Even the lakes would freeze earlier in the year, allowing us to bring our icehouses out onto the lake early enough in the season, so that we could have fish fries by Christmas. The deer were a lot easier to follow back then too. Not only would they leave good tracks in the snow, but they would be slowed down considerably by the white fluffy stuff. It was relatively easy to bag a decent sized buck and mount it up on top of your four- wheeler. It made you feel good about your accomplishment and the fact that it was winter and it was cold and it gave you a good excuse to stay especially close to that someone special in your life.
Time does pass quickly though. A billion years (give or take 100 million) used to take a lot longer to happen. But time really does fly. As do people, flying past each other by airplane, car, SUV, boat, and all sorts of all-terrain vehicles, whatever their transportation of choice. People moving at ever increasing rates of speed whiz by each other oblivious to their fellow man. But time marches on.
School is almost out in this special year of A.D. 1300002001, and the school buildings have been running their air-conditioners at extra high for almost the entire year. The students can barely wait to get out of classes, run to Walgreens for their sunscreen, and hit the beach. But the beaches too aren’t what they used to be. And without decent beaches, where is a high school guy supposed to hang out to check out the chicas.
That is why the governments of the world have put their heads together and decided that without decent snow trails and decent beaches, it’s time to split. For good, that is. Fellow Martians here we come. All of the world’s governments have decided that it’s time for mankind to leave. It will be more than one small step for man, and even more than a giant leap. It will be a grand parade, a wonderful drive. All humans have been ordered to take the bridge to Mars, which was started way back during the Clinton years as the bridge to the twenty-first century. After people were ushered into the 21st century, people decided to keep working on the bridge, making it the largest public works project to this date. The bridge was finally completed when it touched down next to a beautiful crater on the surface of Mars. It was figured that in time this crater could be flooded to make one awesome beach.
USA Today was at the entrance of the bridge interviewing people about their outward trip. It was reported that 93 percent of the people felt no remorse over leaving planet Earth. What with no snow and no good beaches, what gives. But whereas, they felt no sadness as they left, they were bringing plenty of stuff with them as they departed. Most were towing at least a boat or good-sized trailer, with either motorcycles or snowmobiles inside. On top of most of the vehicles were Yakima racks with skis or luggage bags. Animals were abundant. Most of the dogs were riding in the back seats with their heads hanging out and most of the cats were hiding under the seats, ticked off that they didn’t get to sit on the driver’s lap. USA Today noticed quite a few seat belt violations when it came to animals. It has been quite a few millennia since animals of all species were required to be buckled in, so this came as a bit of a surprise.
The earthlings were hoping to carry on their culture by bringing as many CDs with them as possible. They didn’t expect much in the way of nightlife or live concerts when they arrived on Mars, so they needed to be prepared.
After all the Earthlings finally depart the planet, it is expected that this third rock from the Sun will make an amazing comeback. The citizens of Planet Earth took most, if not all, of the flatulent cows with them to Mars and left most of the sea creatures and wild animals in their primitive state. A renaissance is expected on Planet Earth in the next billion years or so. It is hoped that the future stages of evolution will smile more kindly on Mother Earth. So maybe her best days are yet to come.

I’m in trouble now. I’ve been away from my current assignment too long. Pray for me.